Thursday, December 23, 2010

6 days away from a 2nd birthday that nobody will attend...

I should be planning a 2nd birthday party. I should be creating invitations and sending them out. I should be getting ready for a fun-filled day with my 2 year old son. Instead, I'm alone. Very alone. Nobody mentions his name. No, that isn't true. I have one friend that isn't a babyloss mommy that will mention his name, but she still doesn't understand. She tries to and that is very nice of her, but she also thinks me staying busy and focusing on other things will make me forget about him.
Christmas is 2 days away. I long for a partner that understands. I long for him to buy me a sweet gift from my son and wrap it and place it under the tree. It will never happen. I long for his family to remember their grandson and nephew. They don' least not in front of me. My mama is continuing the Christmas ornament tradition this year, but I wonder if it's only because I reminded her. I feel an extremely lonely next 12 days coming on.
I visited a friend and her 7 month old son yesterday. Their family doesn't have much in the way of material things, but that house is so full of love that I was actually aching when I left. Who cares about nice, new items when you have a caring and loving husband that will do ANYTHING for you and a healthy, beautiful son counting on you? Don't get me wrong, their house was nice and cozy. They had even just bought a brand new flat panel tv. They aren't going without food. They've made cutbacks though, but they don't care because of the love they share.
I took the baby a Christmas present. It was so depressing in the department store looking for a present that I choked back tears and basically grabbed the first thing my hands came to. I beelined it out of that section. I got the joy of watching his little fingers grasp the new toy and bring it to his mouth to chew on. So sweet.
Mike has one sick day left at work. I asked him to take Hampton's birthday off so we could ride down and visit with him. He told me no. I'll be alone for his 2nd birthday, just like I was for his 1st. Just me and my 3 cats.
I want a job. I want someone to love me. I want someone to respect me. Most of all, I want my baby boy. My life is nowhere near where I thought it would be at this point in my life. I know that everything happens for a reason, if I didn't I'm not sure I would be alive today. I just wish my reason for being here would come a little quicker. I'm ready to be a mommy to a living baby, but not forgetting my angel son. I'm ready to be appreciated.
I'm just waiting...

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