6 days away from a 2nd birthday that nobody will attend...

I should be planning a 2nd birthday party. I should be creating invitations and sending them out. I should be getting ready for a fun-filled day with my 2 year old son. Instead, I'm alone. Very alone. Nobody mentions his name. No, that isn't true. I have one friend that isn't a babyloss mommy that will mention his name, but she still doesn't understand. She tries to and that is very nice of her, but she also thinks me staying busy and focusing on other things will make me forget about him.

Christmas is 2 days away. I long for a partner that understands. I long for him to buy me a sweet gift from my son and wrap it and place it under the tree. It will never happen. I long for his family to remember their grandson and nephew. They don't...at least not in front of me. My mama is continuing the Christmas ornament tradition this year, but I wonder if it's only because I reminded her. I feel an extremely lonely next 12 days coming on.

I visited a friend and her 7 month old son yesterday. Their family doesn't have much in the way of material things, but that house is so full of love that I was actually aching when I left. Who cares about nice, new items when you have a caring and loving husband that will do ANYTHING for you and a healthy, beautiful son counting on you? Don't get me wrong, their house was nice and cozy. They had even just bought a brand new flat panel tv. They aren't going without food. They've made cutbacks though, but they don't care because of the love they share.

I took the baby a Christmas present. It was so depressing in the department store looking for a present that I choked back tears and basically grabbed the first thing my hands came to. I beelined it out of that section. I got the joy of watching his little fingers grasp the new toy and bring it to his mouth to chew on. So sweet.

Mike has one sick day left at work. I asked him to take Hampton's birthday off so we could ride down and visit with him. He told me no. I'll be alone for his 2nd birthday, just like I was for his 1st. Just me and my 3 cats.

I want a job. I want someone to love me. I want someone to respect me. Most of all, I want my baby boy. My life is nowhere near where I thought it would be at this point in my life. I know that everything happens for a reason, if I didn't I'm not sure I would be alive today. I just wish my reason for being here would come a little quicker. I'm ready to be a mommy to a living baby, but not forgetting my angel son. I'm ready to be appreciated.

I'm just waiting...

1 year, 11 months, 8 days later...

My very first blog entry...

I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm going to give this a try. Mainly because I have nobody to talk to and share my anger, frustrations, and grief with...

Maybe writing/typing it out will help in some way and if I find other babyloss mommies and daddys along the way; I'll embrace the brave new friends joined by the worst possible society to be a member.

I wish I could send out a Christmas card with an almost 2 year old perfectly healthy little boy splashed on the cover.

I want to send one with my three cats, who without them I have no idea what would have happened to me after Hampton's death. Especially Nyla who was Hampton's best friend. Who snuggled as close as she could to him every night on the couch. Who listened to me read books to Baby H every night. Who knew something was wrong when I came home from the hospital. Who lets me hold her like a baby and squeeze her so tight as many times as I need to get some comfort.

Nobody understands how the cats saved me.

Mike says I can't send the card because people already think I'm the crazy cat lady. I say I don't care. He says he doesn't want his name on it and he won't help me with getting the perfect picture. I tried alone. I failed. Now I'm sitting alone. Crying. As I look around me, I find three cats sitting very close to me. Just the cats, nobody else. The only comfort I've had in the past 708 days have come from my cats who have always been here to cuddle, hug, and give kisses...and never to judge me.

Maybe one day I will have the perfect daddy to my healthy babies, my gorgeous babies, my cats, and myself splashed across the cover of a Christmas card. For now though, I'll just look at everybody else's seemingly happy, wonderful, worry-free lives...