I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm going to give this a try. Mainly because I have nobody to talk to and share my anger, frustrations, and grief with...
Maybe writing/typing it out will help in some way and if I find other babyloss mommies and daddys along the way; I'll embrace the brave new friends joined by the worst possible society to be a member.
I wish I could send out a Christmas card with an almost 2 year old perfectly healthy little boy splashed on the cover.
I want to send one with my three cats, who without them I have no idea what would have happened to me after Hampton's death. Especially Nyla who was Hampton's best friend. Who snuggled as close as she could to him every night on the couch. Who listened to me read books to Baby H every night. Who knew something was wrong when I came home from the hospital. Who lets me hold her like a baby and squeeze her so tight as many times as I need to get some comfort.
Nobody understands how the cats saved me.
Mike says I can't send the card because people already think I'm the crazy cat lady. I say I don't care. He says he doesn't want his name on it and he won't help me with getting the perfect picture. I tried alone. I failed. Now I'm sitting alone. Crying. As I look around me, I find three cats sitting very close to me. Just the cats, nobody else. The only comfort I've had in the past 708 days have come from my cats who have always been here to cuddle, hug, and give kisses...and never to judge me.
Maybe one day I will have the perfect daddy to my healthy babies, my gorgeous babies, my cats, and myself splashed across the cover of a Christmas card. For now though, I'll just look at everybody else's seemingly happy, wonderful, worry-free lives...
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